Why My Book List Is Like My Life

I discovered something humbling the other day: my summer reading list. It was messy, ambitious, and long. Very long. Seeing this list prompted me to write down the actual books I’d read over the summer. I was further humbled because out of the 30+ books I had listed to read, I’d read 3 on my actual list. 10%. Lousy. See for yourself:

My Want-to-Read Book List for the Summer

1.     Beauty Will Save the World

2.      Desiring God

3.      I Heard the Owl Call My Name

4.      Maze Runner series

5.      The Return of the King

6.      Hoy Es Fiesta

7.      Until We Have Faces

8.      The Four Loves

9.      Eat, Pray, Love

10.  Antiworlds

11.  Winter’s Tale

12.   A Streetcar Named Desire

13.  Loving God With All Your Mind

14.  The Book of Lost Things

15.  The Giver

16.  The Ghost Writer

17.  The Passion of Jesus Christ

18.  La Sombra del Viento

19.  The Fault in Our Stars

20.  Midsummer Night’s Dream

21.  Pride and Prejudice and Zombis

22.  Notes From a Tilt-a-whirl

23.  Sun Tzu for Women: The Art of War for Winning in Business

24.  On Writing

25.  Harry Potter series

26.  Wild At Heart

27.  Insurgent

28.  Allegiant

29.  To Kill a Mockingbird

30.  Much Ado About Nothing

Books I Actually Read This Summer

1.      The Book of Lost Things

2.      Waiting to Be Heard

3.      Church Membership

4.      Desiring God

5.      Captivating

6.      The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert

7.      The Book Thief

8.      The Fault in Our Stars

9.      The Five Love Languages

10.  Captivating

We have pretty unrealistic expectations for ourselves. I should remember that because I just found and posted a journal essay about my limitations. Well, I was pretty discouraged about the discrepancies in the lists. I told myself to stop moping, sit down, and make another long Fall reading list, hyping myself up for an invigorating literature experience. Then, God grabbed my mind.

If I had arduously stuck to my list, I would've missed out on amazing reads like Church Membership and The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. These books were both unexpectedly loaned to me by great friends who are strong Christians. I was so challenged and convicted by both of those books. It’s hard to read things that are convicting because you are choosing to be convicted as you continue reading and every time you pick up the book. Some of the aspects of these two books made me cry over things that I haven’t cried about as I opened parts of my mind and heart that I’d stamped and sealed years ago. Some of the chapters made me think deeper and got me into different parts of my Bible. They both changed me as God used them to help me make big, positive decisions for life.

As for some of the rest of the list, yes, I wanted to read The Fault in Our Stars, but I hardly expected to pull a practical all-nighter reading it the day before I was going to see the movie (I normally won’t see the movie unless I read the book first.) Waiting to Be Heard is the memoir of Amanda Knox, who studied in Italy, fell in love with an Italian, was accused of murdering her British roommate, and landed in a foreign prison for four years until she was ruled innocent by the Italian court system. It was on my book list last summer, and I wanted to read before I went to Mexico, but I didn't have time. I completely forgot about it until my roommate walked in the door of our apartment with the hunking book in her hands this summer. In retrospect, it probably would have scared me to read it before going to Mexico. The Book of Lost Things is Gothic literature. Gothic literature was my favorite type of literature and the only genre that I've consumed for the past couple of summers. The Book of Lost Things is the only Gothic literature on the list of books I actually read this summer. And it’s one of only 4 in the Gothic genre on my want-to-read list. I was stunned when I discovered that fact because my desires had changed so naturally. I didn't even notice that I read less Gothic literature now until I looked harder at my book lists. 

My book list is like my life.

I always make life plans. Some of them happen the way I expected, like reading Desiring God. It was the first book I planned to read after my graduation, and that’s exactly what I did. Some of them happened, but not the way I expected, like reading The Fault in Our Stars. Some of them are entirely unexpected blessings, like Captivating, a spur-of-the-moment buy at a Christian book sale. Some of them are unforeseen challenges, like The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. Some of them I think I can handle at the moment, but in reality, God knows that I can’t. They don’t happen at all or they happen later, like Waiting to Be Heard. Sometimes He just takes the desire away, like He took away my unhealthy obsession with Gothic literature.

I’m so glad that God is in charge of my life. I know that He is absolutely sovereign over everything that happens. Psalm 115:3 says that God is in heaven, and He does whatever pleases Him. In Isaiah 46:10, God states that whatever He plans will be accomplished according to His pleasure. He knows and does; I just don't and can't. I’m immensely humbled by how He has changed me, even while I've been unconscious of the fact. His grace has preserved me from things He knows I can’t handle, and I get to be reminded once again that it’s not me who knows how to change me and help me; it’s Him.

The actual book list is a lot more beautiful than the want-to-read list. And I get a visual idea of what it means to fall short… once again. But I’m ok with not completing my plan; He always completes His.

To Everybody Going Back To School

I regularly “essay.” Some people call it journaling, but my “journaling” largely varies from just my daily life. Recently, I found this “essay” that I wrote in my journal sometime during my school semesters (looks like a fall semester from the mention of cross country). So, this is to all my friends who are just starting the school year over again with much love, uncut, unedited (well, I eliminated the names to sacrificially protect the guilty), and blatantly honest: 

I am always amazed with how discouraged I can sometimes be by the end of a good day. Professors have somehow managed to make me feel as if I am not doing enough work, even though I’m not a student that slacks off. My goal is always 100% on every project, paper, test, or essay. That’s just the way that I’m hard-wired. Some people are okay with going to bed without fully completing the reading assignment for the next day. If I tried that, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Some people are okay without reading the assignment at all. God, save me! Or actually, save them! Never mind, let them fail for not even trying. Oh, I’m sorry, God; that’s not very Christian … but it’s what I think!

            And yet, at the end of the day, I still feel like a failure. My Spanish professor has told me that my accent is awful, filled with a schwa that I can’t kill, and that I should be reading more Spanish literature. My history professor has made me feel like I don’t stay up on current events enough and that there’s some essential history that I haven’t read or studied. My English professor has added a few more books to my long summer reading list. The pastor who preached in chapel told me that I have failed multiple times in my Christian walk and that I’m not reading the Bible or praying or witnessing or edifying others as much as I should. A running website to which I subscribe told me that I don’t exercise enough. A friend told me I don’t eat enough protein, but I eat too many carbohydrates. A relative asked me why I don’t practice my piano and French horn anymore. “You used to play so well,” she sighs. I go to tutor my students wishing that I’d had more time to spend preparing. Some quote told me that I should be writing a little bit everyday if I ever want to improve as a writer. A friend tells me about how he listens to a Christian commentary on world news headlines during breakfast. Someone at lunch asks me if I have watched this new movie yet. I haven’t. My little sister rattles off a sci-fi novel I should read. “It’s a quick read,” she says. A teacher catches me in the hall between work and class. “You should take French.” he says. “I would love to! But I don’t have time!” I reply regretfully in Spanish. “You always make time for what you want to do.” He says, shrugging with disappointment.

            Because I wanted every part of 21 credits, applying for scholarships, running cross country, being an older sister, working, doing homework, living a consistent Christian life, tutoring, entering two magazine poetry contests, leading my room … not that I don't. It's just ... 

            If only what my professor told me was actually true!

            Does nobody get that I am beset behind and before with pressures? Article after article tells me how to become more successful and useful. Programs say that I only need to be willing to devote five minutes each day ... to everything under the sun!

            And then, there is this abundance of new research that tells us that people are more productive if they take about 20 minutes or so a day of empty brain time. And a cat nap. It should help, assuming you get your 8+ hours of sleep, too.

            I want to scream, “Can you let me live?” Why does everybody feel the pressing need to tell me how to spend my time when I don’t even have any anymore?

            A doctor tells me that when I get stressed out I put on weight in my stomach even if I am running three or four miles per day.

            Great.

            Why do people demand supernatural abilities from such finite creatures?

            God planned limitations.

            God gave Aaron to Moses, who said he couldn’t speak.

            Jesus chose to lay aside heaven’s fame. He limited Himself! That's amazing!

            The world was created with both space and time, the two greatest limitations (and the whole reason both the storage business and the fast food business boom).

            There were several different types of priests in the Jewish temple, each with only a few specific tasks.

            Paul never made it to the Roman believers.

            Jesus chose twelve disciples. Not thousands. Or even hundreds.

            Paul had a “thorn in the flesh.”

            Jesus did not go to every single country in the world when He came from heaven.

            Everybody will not be saved.

            Does that mean God has failed today?

            A resounding “No!”

            If the world could be managed by one person (it’s called a dictatorship), God would have created it that way and kept it that way. He’s omniscient. He knew what He needed and wanted to bring Himself all the glory.

If we could do everything, wouldn't we be God?

            God planned limitations.

            Why do we feel that we can and should do it all? Or even anything close to it all?

            The Bible says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” May I suggest that it doesn't say visit every country, talk to every person, critique every book, or write every commentary? Or excel at every sport, learn every language, and know something about every topic of conversation?

            I once read a quote that said, “If you don’t have enough time to read your Bible and pray, you are busier than God ever intended you to be.”

            I’m too tired to expand more on this train of thought, so I guess I will leave it be for a few days.

           

           

So, to my college friends and everybody else going back to school this semester: I did leave this essay for a few days. The train never got back on the tracks; I never wrote a sequel. I can’t remember if I didn't have enough time, or if I just accepted my own limitations in continuing it. To be honest, I can’t even remember when I found time to write it.