Security or Adventure?

         For my graduation last May, one of my best friends from my senior year bought me a journal with questions to inspire writing every day. Writing every day was one of my goals last year, so the journal is now a part of my daily routine.

            The question for a few days ago asked; are you searching for security, or are you up for adventure?

            I had to pause and think about that question (which is always a good thing to do before writing anything) because I’m huge on security, planning, routine, and safety. The structure and rules were things that I appreciated about college life; I attended a Christian college with more rules and regulations than most universities.

I met God at college, and He took over my life, which was an experience similar to a cross between being abducted by aliens and finding out I was a princess unawares. The people I encountered at college fell into one of the two camps: those who were at various growth stages within their royal roles while seeking to expand their knowledge of our King, and those who desperately whispered escape plans from our alien abductors while refreshing their knowledge of what the “normal” world was like. I could relate to both groups. Some experiences and information were completely alien to me, grating against everything I’d ever known. Some experiences and information made me feel so special and so blessed royal. However, I didn't completely identify with either group. I came to the warped conclusions that it was because I was such a late addition to the “society”.

I liked the clear-cut, black-and-white, no-way-out format of the college because I didn't have the anxiety of wondering what I should do, what I should wear, and how I should respond to things. I always felt very safe. All I really had to worry about was schoolwork and running.  

            Before college, I lived in an environment with fewer rules and regulations, more freedom, more responsibility, more decisions, and a hectic work and school schedule which I had to make myself. In college, a lot of the decisions were already made for me – what I could wear, where I could go at what time, which classes I needed to take in order to graduate, which hours I could work on campus, even what I could eat based on what was in the cafeteria that day – and I appreciated the new-found safety which I enjoyed as one piece of a 50+ year old, well-oiled system. I loved the singular focus of homework and cross country. College snatched quite a bit of the burden of the rest of the responsibilities off my shoulders.

            Then, I graduated early, wishing that I could spend another year in college, and yet thrilled to be done.

Life became instant confusion. Maybe it sounds stupid, but I wrestled with issues as little as whether or not I should go back to wearing blue jeans (because we weren't allowed to wear blue jeans at college) and whether or not it was okay to miss a Sunday service because of work (this was highly discouraged at college). Also, I struggled with bigger issues, such as whether or not I should be okay with a stranger spending the night on my couch (not even a feasible situation in a women’s Christian college dorm), what church I should even attend (there had been a list of approved churches at college), if I should still love gory action movies, and how I should respond when there didn't seem to be a correct answer to a question. 

My job posed even more ethically complicated situations, which I had before faced and accepted as a non-Christian in the job world. Now I struggled because I had a new conscious and the Holy Spirit, both of which I often didn't know how to handle. What were the college rules that I was unconsciously connecting to my relationship with God, and what was the Holy Spirit, and what was the old me?

Christians seem to somehow think that meeting God makes things less complicated. On a big picture level, I found that truth to be beautiful; nothing in the world makes any sense without God. On a day-to-day basis, I found that thought to be a horrible lie.

Imagine having a unexpected collision, landing in the hospital with all these problems caused by the collision, being told that you actually have a bunch of other problems revealed by X-rays and tests, finding out you aren't who you thought who you were, nothing in life means what you thought it did, your purpose is completely different than what you thought it was, you need a heart transplant and a brain transplant (if that’s even possible) and a blood infusion, and the person who is going to do those procedures and give you those things is now hugging you and shaking your hand, and he’s a stranger to you, even though he’s known you for forever. You’re meeting him for the first time, freaking out because he'll now be part of your life forever. Regular surgeries will be required throughout your entire life, some more painful and hard than others, and your life will never go back to “normal” (whatever normal was in the first place).

That’s what meeting God did to me.  

The rest of last year, I felt dangerously insecure. I felt like I was either being reckless or being a kill-joy. I felt like I was being labeled simultaneously as a conservative Pharisee or an irresponsible liberal by different people. I tried to make my own list of morals and answers to my FAQs. The organization didn't help; no matter what situation appeared, I always lost. Without fail, I lost. Sometimes the decisions I made seemed okay, then crumbled. Sometimes someone told me a decision I felt was wrong was actually right, or a decision that I thought was right was actually wrong. I thought I’d been welcomed into a society of doppelgangers, and I was in grave danger of becoming one as well.

The security or adventure question was another one of those questions that I would lose, no matter what I answered.

Spontaneity is nice to a degree, but I prefer security, always knowing what is coming next, having clear boundaries, correct answers.

Complaining to God, I cried;

“I don’t feel secure.”

What don’t you feel secure in?

“Everything.”

How much do you need to know to be secure?

I blanched, realizing my problem. “Everything.”

My prerequisite for security was omniscience. My definition of security was never feeling uncertain in anything, not even in what time I got up in the morning, and especially not in when I would have the money to pay my bills or if I would be hurt by a certain person.

I wanted God to be like college: a list of then/if equations, fail-proofs to various scenarios, something like a step-by-step to life, or a Life for Dummies book, and He just … wasn't. I wanted Him to be simple to understand, when He is a complex, round character (to put it in author's terms). 

The answer to the security or adventure question has to be both options, I ended up recognizing eventually. Life with God is going to be a default adventure because I will never know everything, but I can be secure in the fact that He will always be in control of the adventure and always right by my side in the middle of it.

I’m just never content to have it be that way.

Welcomed

How I come is not up to me.

Who I was could not be my choice when I arrived at Your door.

The Wind pushed me.

But I had no hand to even raise that sacred lion knocker,

so fierce the scowl down on me.

But You promised:

Anyone who knocks shall receive The Opening,

shall experience The Finding…

first, of You; then, of herself.

But my head down discouraged bowed

by the door helpless and

a dull brain robotic fell

below the knocker missing

the lion.

Only, I had barely touched with my feet the stoop before

Your Son flung the door wide…

To me?!

The Wind painted my cheeks blood -red – my pale-death complexion slapped

To life.

The lion on the door stopped scowling

when Your Son lifted the heavy knocker

and showed me that it was not there to bar me from entering;

it was there to show me myself ; the lion was part of The Finding.

And missing it was the key to The Opening.

You were smiling at Your Son, spreading the feast …

For me?!

And I saw that the banquet was already prepared –

You knew You would have guests, fashioned

from Your mind’s eye, from Your heart’s love.

You drew my coming before you beckoned the first star.

Inspiration: Jeremiah 33:3;  Matthew 7:7-8

Why My Book List Is Like My Life

I discovered something humbling the other day: my summer reading list. It was messy, ambitious, and long. Very long. Seeing this list prompted me to write down the actual books I’d read over the summer. I was further humbled because out of the 30+ books I had listed to read, I’d read 3 on my actual list. 10%. Lousy. See for yourself:

My Want-to-Read Book List for the Summer

1.     Beauty Will Save the World

2.      Desiring God

3.      I Heard the Owl Call My Name

4.      Maze Runner series

5.      The Return of the King

6.      Hoy Es Fiesta

7.      Until We Have Faces

8.      The Four Loves

9.      Eat, Pray, Love

10.  Antiworlds

11.  Winter’s Tale

12.   A Streetcar Named Desire

13.  Loving God With All Your Mind

14.  The Book of Lost Things

15.  The Giver

16.  The Ghost Writer

17.  The Passion of Jesus Christ

18.  La Sombra del Viento

19.  The Fault in Our Stars

20.  Midsummer Night’s Dream

21.  Pride and Prejudice and Zombis

22.  Notes From a Tilt-a-whirl

23.  Sun Tzu for Women: The Art of War for Winning in Business

24.  On Writing

25.  Harry Potter series

26.  Wild At Heart

27.  Insurgent

28.  Allegiant

29.  To Kill a Mockingbird

30.  Much Ado About Nothing

Books I Actually Read This Summer

1.      The Book of Lost Things

2.      Waiting to Be Heard

3.      Church Membership

4.      Desiring God

5.      Captivating

6.      The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert

7.      The Book Thief

8.      The Fault in Our Stars

9.      The Five Love Languages

10.  Captivating

We have pretty unrealistic expectations for ourselves. I should remember that because I just found and posted a journal essay about my limitations. Well, I was pretty discouraged about the discrepancies in the lists. I told myself to stop moping, sit down, and make another long Fall reading list, hyping myself up for an invigorating literature experience. Then, God grabbed my mind.

If I had arduously stuck to my list, I would've missed out on amazing reads like Church Membership and The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. These books were both unexpectedly loaned to me by great friends who are strong Christians. I was so challenged and convicted by both of those books. It’s hard to read things that are convicting because you are choosing to be convicted as you continue reading and every time you pick up the book. Some of the aspects of these two books made me cry over things that I haven’t cried about as I opened parts of my mind and heart that I’d stamped and sealed years ago. Some of the chapters made me think deeper and got me into different parts of my Bible. They both changed me as God used them to help me make big, positive decisions for life.

As for some of the rest of the list, yes, I wanted to read The Fault in Our Stars, but I hardly expected to pull a practical all-nighter reading it the day before I was going to see the movie (I normally won’t see the movie unless I read the book first.) Waiting to Be Heard is the memoir of Amanda Knox, who studied in Italy, fell in love with an Italian, was accused of murdering her British roommate, and landed in a foreign prison for four years until she was ruled innocent by the Italian court system. It was on my book list last summer, and I wanted to read before I went to Mexico, but I didn't have time. I completely forgot about it until my roommate walked in the door of our apartment with the hunking book in her hands this summer. In retrospect, it probably would have scared me to read it before going to Mexico. The Book of Lost Things is Gothic literature. Gothic literature was my favorite type of literature and the only genre that I've consumed for the past couple of summers. The Book of Lost Things is the only Gothic literature on the list of books I actually read this summer. And it’s one of only 4 in the Gothic genre on my want-to-read list. I was stunned when I discovered that fact because my desires had changed so naturally. I didn't even notice that I read less Gothic literature now until I looked harder at my book lists. 

My book list is like my life.

I always make life plans. Some of them happen the way I expected, like reading Desiring God. It was the first book I planned to read after my graduation, and that’s exactly what I did. Some of them happened, but not the way I expected, like reading The Fault in Our Stars. Some of them are entirely unexpected blessings, like Captivating, a spur-of-the-moment buy at a Christian book sale. Some of them are unforeseen challenges, like The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert. Some of them I think I can handle at the moment, but in reality, God knows that I can’t. They don’t happen at all or they happen later, like Waiting to Be Heard. Sometimes He just takes the desire away, like He took away my unhealthy obsession with Gothic literature.

I’m so glad that God is in charge of my life. I know that He is absolutely sovereign over everything that happens. Psalm 115:3 says that God is in heaven, and He does whatever pleases Him. In Isaiah 46:10, God states that whatever He plans will be accomplished according to His pleasure. He knows and does; I just don't and can't. I’m immensely humbled by how He has changed me, even while I've been unconscious of the fact. His grace has preserved me from things He knows I can’t handle, and I get to be reminded once again that it’s not me who knows how to change me and help me; it’s Him.

The actual book list is a lot more beautiful than the want-to-read list. And I get a visual idea of what it means to fall short… once again. But I’m ok with not completing my plan; He always completes His.

To Everybody Going Back To School

I regularly “essay.” Some people call it journaling, but my “journaling” largely varies from just my daily life. Recently, I found this “essay” that I wrote in my journal sometime during my school semesters (looks like a fall semester from the mention of cross country). So, this is to all my friends who are just starting the school year over again with much love, uncut, unedited (well, I eliminated the names to sacrificially protect the guilty), and blatantly honest: 

I am always amazed with how discouraged I can sometimes be by the end of a good day. Professors have somehow managed to make me feel as if I am not doing enough work, even though I’m not a student that slacks off. My goal is always 100% on every project, paper, test, or essay. That’s just the way that I’m hard-wired. Some people are okay with going to bed without fully completing the reading assignment for the next day. If I tried that, I wouldn't be able to sleep. Some people are okay without reading the assignment at all. God, save me! Or actually, save them! Never mind, let them fail for not even trying. Oh, I’m sorry, God; that’s not very Christian … but it’s what I think!

            And yet, at the end of the day, I still feel like a failure. My Spanish professor has told me that my accent is awful, filled with a schwa that I can’t kill, and that I should be reading more Spanish literature. My history professor has made me feel like I don’t stay up on current events enough and that there’s some essential history that I haven’t read or studied. My English professor has added a few more books to my long summer reading list. The pastor who preached in chapel told me that I have failed multiple times in my Christian walk and that I’m not reading the Bible or praying or witnessing or edifying others as much as I should. A running website to which I subscribe told me that I don’t exercise enough. A friend told me I don’t eat enough protein, but I eat too many carbohydrates. A relative asked me why I don’t practice my piano and French horn anymore. “You used to play so well,” she sighs. I go to tutor my students wishing that I’d had more time to spend preparing. Some quote told me that I should be writing a little bit everyday if I ever want to improve as a writer. A friend tells me about how he listens to a Christian commentary on world news headlines during breakfast. Someone at lunch asks me if I have watched this new movie yet. I haven’t. My little sister rattles off a sci-fi novel I should read. “It’s a quick read,” she says. A teacher catches me in the hall between work and class. “You should take French.” he says. “I would love to! But I don’t have time!” I reply regretfully in Spanish. “You always make time for what you want to do.” He says, shrugging with disappointment.

            Because I wanted every part of 21 credits, applying for scholarships, running cross country, being an older sister, working, doing homework, living a consistent Christian life, tutoring, entering two magazine poetry contests, leading my room … not that I don't. It's just ... 

            If only what my professor told me was actually true!

            Does nobody get that I am beset behind and before with pressures? Article after article tells me how to become more successful and useful. Programs say that I only need to be willing to devote five minutes each day ... to everything under the sun!

            And then, there is this abundance of new research that tells us that people are more productive if they take about 20 minutes or so a day of empty brain time. And a cat nap. It should help, assuming you get your 8+ hours of sleep, too.

            I want to scream, “Can you let me live?” Why does everybody feel the pressing need to tell me how to spend my time when I don’t even have any anymore?

            A doctor tells me that when I get stressed out I put on weight in my stomach even if I am running three or four miles per day.

            Great.

            Why do people demand supernatural abilities from such finite creatures?

            God planned limitations.

            God gave Aaron to Moses, who said he couldn’t speak.

            Jesus chose to lay aside heaven’s fame. He limited Himself! That's amazing!

            The world was created with both space and time, the two greatest limitations (and the whole reason both the storage business and the fast food business boom).

            There were several different types of priests in the Jewish temple, each with only a few specific tasks.

            Paul never made it to the Roman believers.

            Jesus chose twelve disciples. Not thousands. Or even hundreds.

            Paul had a “thorn in the flesh.”

            Jesus did not go to every single country in the world when He came from heaven.

            Everybody will not be saved.

            Does that mean God has failed today?

            A resounding “No!”

            If the world could be managed by one person (it’s called a dictatorship), God would have created it that way and kept it that way. He’s omniscient. He knew what He needed and wanted to bring Himself all the glory.

If we could do everything, wouldn't we be God?

            God planned limitations.

            Why do we feel that we can and should do it all? Or even anything close to it all?

            The Bible says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” May I suggest that it doesn't say visit every country, talk to every person, critique every book, or write every commentary? Or excel at every sport, learn every language, and know something about every topic of conversation?

            I once read a quote that said, “If you don’t have enough time to read your Bible and pray, you are busier than God ever intended you to be.”

            I’m too tired to expand more on this train of thought, so I guess I will leave it be for a few days.

           

           

So, to my college friends and everybody else going back to school this semester: I did leave this essay for a few days. The train never got back on the tracks; I never wrote a sequel. I can’t remember if I didn't have enough time, or if I just accepted my own limitations in continuing it. To be honest, I can’t even remember when I found time to write it. 

The Fastest Way to Ruin Your Christian Testimony

Proverbs 4:7

“Wisdom is the principle thing; therefore, get wisdom. In all your getting, get understanding.”

During my last year of college, I’ve struggled constantly with pride. I should say I am struggling because I’m still in my last year of college. This fall, I asked God to remove my pride, and our conversation went something like this:

Dear God, I know I’m proud. I want you to make me humble because it would be really embarrassing to brag about something only to be wrong or make a mistake. Amen.

It was a little longer than that, I think, but that was the just of it.

A month later, I got convicted with how my prayer was dripping with pride. My premise was that I didn’t want to have pride because I was too proud to be wrong and get embarrassed in front of everyone. With that thought in mind, I amended my prayer:

Dear God, my prayer about pride was really proud. You’re showing me that this is a real problem in my life, even in areas in which I don’t even recognize it. In any way possible, please make me humble…

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to take them back.

I guess we’ve all heard the “Christian Horror Stories”. You know, the ones about Christians who prayed for humility and found themselves mortified in front of the universe, wishing they could disintegrate into the surrounding oxygen, promising never to fall prey to pride again because of an embarrassing situation in which they were wrong. Somewhere in the middle, I think, they all say, “And it was funny because I was just praying that God would grant me humility.” They tell other Christians this story as a testimony of God working in their lives.

Let me be clear. I’m not saying those stories are bad things. These thoughts were just on the first train that blew into my mind following my prayer.

Throughout the next months, all the little red flags went up. I viciously avoided bragging, interrupting people mid-compliment to plaster someone else with the credit and over zealously ignoring any part I’d played in anything good. Basically, I was missing the point.

Under further conviction, and in a desperate attempt to curb my pride, I started a study on wisdom. Proverbs implies that wisdom and pride are in complete opposition to each other. Since “the fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom,” the wise person knows his or her in-the-dust position before God (Proverbs 9:10). This verse states that wisdom is impossible without a relationship with God. It’s God who gives wisdom. In turn, like the verses at the top of this page, God-given wisdom brings respect and honor to the life of the person who requests it. Wise people have no need to brag on themselves – they realize that there’s nothing to brag about (Psalm 144:3).  

I guess it goes without saying that I started to pray for wisdom and continued to pray for humility.  

However, pride is a funny thing. It often attacks you where you actually can legitimately prove yourself (or at least you think you can), not areas in which you already know you lack skill. For example, I never brag about anything musical. Studying at a university with a good music program means that I am surrounded by fantastic musicians. Sure, I can play the piano and the French horn, and I love singing and writing my own music, but I never walk around with a chip on my shoulder. Any freshman in the Piano Pedagogy program could play three inversions of scales with the correct figuring before I even figured out whether to cross my third finger or my fourth finger during the scale in order to avoid hitting a black key with my thumb.

No, pride strikes where you’re sure you have it all together. Where you kind of forget about God because you think you can practically do whatever it is in your sleep. Where you’ve convinced yourself that it’s your knowledge and study and time and effort that has finally paid off. You may receive multiple compliments for your skills in this particular area. You may think, “I’m not bragging. I can do ____________ very well. Everybody knows it. It’s a fact.”

Personally, I know that I struggle with these thoughts in certain areas of my life. I’m not going to tell you the areas in which I struggle with pride simply because it would only be my pride inviting you to agree that I do excel in these areas. That would defeat the purpose of learning this lesson.

God did touch this area of my life recently. Yes, I was mortified. I did wish I could physically dissolve into thin air. I did make a ton of promises. At long last, I fell on my knees and prayed. I wish I’d done that first.

The truth is, God is the giver of wisdom. All wisdom. All knowledge, too. He created it. We know that, but we don’t act like we do. We act like it was our years of study and interest that took such amazing strides. We forget that He created everything. The only reason we can have any knowledge about anything is because He gives it to us. He wants us to know!

Sometimes I think He laughs because He’s put it in such an easy spot to reach, yet we can’t even come close to it without His help. Sometimes I laugh with Him because I can’t believe how feeble I am.

On a more serious note, pride is the fastest way to ruin our testimony as Christians. Simply put, pride removes God. Pride tells God that we may have once needed Him in this area of our life, but now, oh man, now, we’ve arrived!

Sometimes it tells Him that we haven’t needed Him all along.

Personally, I think that is why God has to touch the areas where we think we are strong in order to humble us.

If we’re proud Christians, we’re acting just as bad as unsaved individuals; we have refused to recognize our need for God as Lord in our life in that area in the same way unsaved people refuse to recognize God as Lord of their lives.

In fact, we are acting even worse because, in most cases, we have far more knowledge of God and of our condition before Him than unsaved individuals, yet we refuse to apply that knowledge. Even if it is only in one area of our life, pride destroys our testimony. It utterly devastates our witness.

Maybe we should be telling other Christians, “And it was serious because I was ruining my testimony by refusing to recognize God as Lord in that area of my life.”