I regularly “essay.” Some people call it journaling,
but my “journaling” largely varies from just my daily life.
Recently, I found this “essay” that I wrote in my journal sometime during my school
semesters (looks like a fall semester from the mention of cross country). So,
this is to all my friends who are just starting the school year over again with
much love, uncut, unedited (well, I eliminated the names to sacrificially protect the guilty), and blatantly honest:
I am always amazed with how discouraged I can sometimes
be by the end of a good day. Professors have somehow managed to make me feel as
if I am not doing enough work, even though I’m not a student that slacks off.
My goal is always 100% on every project, paper, test, or essay. That’s just the
way that I’m hard-wired. Some people are okay with going to bed without fully
completing the reading assignment for the next day. If I tried that, I wouldn't
be able to sleep. Some people are okay without reading the assignment at all.
God, save me! Or actually, save them! Never mind, let them fail for not even
trying. Oh, I’m sorry, God; that’s not very Christian … but it’s what I think!
And yet, at the end of
the day, I still feel like a failure. My Spanish professor has told me that my
accent is awful, filled with a schwa that I can’t kill, and that I should be
reading more Spanish literature. My history professor has made me feel
like I don’t stay up on current events enough and that there’s some essential
history that I haven’t read or studied. My English professor has added a few
more books to my long summer reading list. The pastor who preached in chapel told me
that I have failed multiple times in my Christian walk and that I’m not reading
the Bible or praying or witnessing or edifying others as much as I should. A running website to which I subscribe told me that I don’t exercise enough.
A friend told me I don’t eat enough protein, but I eat too many carbohydrates.
A relative asked me why I don’t practice my piano and French horn anymore. “You
used to play so well,” she sighs. I go to tutor my students wishing that I’d
had more time to spend preparing. Some quote told me that I should be writing a little bit everyday if I ever want to improve as a writer. A friend tells
me about how he listens to a Christian commentary on world news headlines during breakfast. Someone at lunch asks me if I have watched this new movie yet. I haven’t. My little sister rattles off a sci-fi novel I should read.
“It’s a quick read,” she says. A teacher catches me in the hall between work
and class. “You should take French.” he says. “I would love to! But I don’t
have time!” I reply regretfully in Spanish. “You always make time for what you
want to do.” He says, shrugging with disappointment.
Because I wanted every
part of 21 credits, applying for scholarships, running cross country, being an
older sister, working, doing homework, living a consistent Christian life,
tutoring, entering two magazine poetry contests, leading my room … not that I don't. It's just ...
If only what my
professor told me was actually true!
Does nobody get that I am beset behind and before with pressures? Article after article tells me how to become more successful and useful. Programs say that I only need to be
willing to devote five minutes each day ... to everything under the sun!
And then, there is
this abundance of new research that tells us that people are more productive if
they take about 20 minutes or so a day of empty brain time. And a cat nap. It
should help, assuming you get your 8+ hours of sleep, too.
I want to scream, “Can
you let me live?” Why does everybody feel the pressing need to tell me how to
spend my time when I don’t even have any anymore?
A doctor tells me that
when I get stressed out I put on weight in my stomach even if I am running
three or four miles per day.
Great.
Why do people demand
supernatural abilities from such finite creatures?
God planned limitations.
God gave Aaron to
Moses, who said he couldn’t speak.
Jesus chose to lay aside heaven’s fame. He limited Himself! That's amazing!
The world was created with both space and time,
the two greatest limitations (and the whole reason both the storage business and
the fast food business boom).
There were several
different types of priests in the Jewish temple, each with only a few specific tasks.
Paul never made it to the Roman believers.
Jesus chose twelve
disciples. Not thousands. Or even
hundreds.
Paul had a “thorn in the flesh.”
Jesus did not go to every single country in the
world when He came from heaven.
Everybody will not be saved.
Does that mean God has
failed today?
A resounding “No!”
If the world could be
managed by one person (it’s called a dictatorship), God would have created it
that way and kept it that way. He’s omniscient. He knew what He needed and
wanted to bring Himself all the glory.
If we could do everything, wouldn't we be God?
God planned limitations.
Why do we feel that we
can and should do it all? Or even anything close to it all?
The Bible says, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might.” May I suggest that it
doesn't say visit every country, talk to every person, critique every book, or write every commentary? Or excel at every
sport, learn every language, and know something about every topic of conversation?
I once read a quote
that said, “If you don’t have enough time to read your Bible and pray, you are
busier than God ever intended you to be.”
I’m too tired to
expand more on this train of thought, so I guess I will leave it be for a few
days.
So, to my college friends and everybody else going back to school this semester: I did leave this essay
for a few days. The train never got back on the tracks; I never wrote a
sequel. I can’t remember if I didn't have enough time, or if I just accepted my
own limitations in continuing it. To be honest, I can’t even remember when I
found time to write it.
